History of the Human Race

The History Of The Human Race

A festering pustule of malignant ooze

By Ryan O’Harris

I am not going to spend a lot of time explaining why you can all see me and hear me, and yet it appears I am not here.  I’m not in your room, your TV, or your phone.   You are not seeing me because of the stimulants you took today or the alcohol you drank all night.  You are seeing me because I choose to make you see and hear me.  I am the emissary to the First  Prime of Teliria.  Although I appear human – – but I assure you that is where our similarities end.  I have been on your planet longer than any of you have or any of your ancestors have.  I have been tasked with the objective to report to the Prime the status and value of the human race, and I have to tell you at best I am confused and more likely I feel I have wasted millenniums watching your race evolve.  I am not even sure saying you evolved could possibly describe what you have become.  I think a better phrase would be you have become a festering pustule of malignant ooze.  Your children spend a third of their life in school being taught to hate what they are learning and where they came from.  You pay thousands of dollars a year to make that happen.  You spend more money paying your leaders to tell you what you do not want to do. When it does not work, you just do it all over again.  Your means of procreation is, shall I say, utterly disgusting. On my planet I can father an entire city of offspring in a matter of days without ever comingling with another creature.  Do you think it is an accident that your people are riddled with sexually transmitted diseases? Even some of your lesser species like fish have offspring and hold them in their mouth until they hatch.  What the hell? Are they food or what?  You don’t even know if you want offspring.  Some of you use all kinds of contraptions to stop the flow of those sticky fluids that ultimately become people.  By the way, that’s where you came from.  You fight cataclysmic battles all the way to those who sit at the highest levels of judgment on you.  Some of you think you came from monkeys, and some of you think you were created by an omnipotent being.  I will say it one more time you came from a festering pustule of malignant ooze.  That’s right, that sticky stuff.  No wonder you are so confused that you worry about how light or dark your skin or someone else’s skin is. Then you women change the color of your hair every week, and then you lay out in the sun to burn your skin to a darker shade.   Of course you also fight amongst yourselves about how or whether to prevent your offspring to begin with.  Figure it out, people.  You either want these little creatures or you don’t.  It’s easy not to create them. Just keep that thing you men have, out of that thing you women have, and you’re all set.  Life seems to be of little importance to all of you.  You kill each other for many reasons.  Here I have a list I have compiled. (He pulls out a scroll or stack of paper and begins to read.)

 

 

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