Tooth Fairy Backup

Tooth Fairy Backup

Written by

Ryan O’Harris

I’m going to tell you who I am, and if anyone laughs, I am going to hurt you.  Do you all understand?  My name is Akua  Adongo.  That means the one who is born on Wednesday and is a twin of the one who came first.   No one knows me by my name.  They all know me as the “Tooth Fairy.”  I’m not like my brother though.  He is the sweet one. The one that sneaks in at night and puts a coin under the child’s pillow and takes the tooth.  I am the backup Tooth Fairy.  I come in only when the child forgets to put his tooth under his pillow or he tries to cheat and use a fake tooth or someone else’s tooth.   Then I come in.  I punch him in the face and pull his tooth.  Then I don’t leave money.  I leave a note telling him that it isn’t nice to lie to the Tooth Fairy.  I know this scars some children for life and we end up with people like Charlie Sheen or Miley Cyrus. They both had the money to see a good dentist after I visited them.  So yes, I am the Tooth Fairy but not the nice one, so don’t confuse us.   Also there is an age limit for getting a coin from my brother, and it is 7 years old. There is no age limit for getting punched in the face by me.   If you are older than 7 and are still trying to sell your teeth to the Tooth Fairy, you deserve a punch in the mouth and I am happy to accommodate.  Jeezy the rapper tried it many times.  Yes even black people think they can fool the Tooth Fairy.  I know most of you think the Tooth Fairy is white.  Why wouldn’t you?  You think everything else is white:  Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Jesus, Snow White.  Hell, you even put “white” in her name.  The only thing black for you are witches, demons, vampires, although I must admit I am a little confused by the Disney character “Wasabi” who is an intelligent young black man and notable student majoring in applied physics.  I guess that’s why you can’t find him with a Google search.  So I have a couple of people I have to visit tonight.  I think you might know them:  Adam Sandler and Robert Downey Jr.  Adam has been trying for years to get that coin, and I have been trying to punch him in the face, but he has too many body guards.  Robert never tried to fool me.  I just can’t stand him.

 

Blackout.

 

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